Not Looking
by crazyiscool
Summary: They say that love comes when you're not looking for it, it's true. I never wanted it, never looked for it, didn't wish for it and still it took over my still heart, but I must control it, stop it, repress it. My iron will will not be broken this time...
1. Prologue

**Right I've re-uploaded this chapter with an explanation, seems as I've had a complaint that it was 'short and stuff'. So, this is only an introduction to a new story, I had this idea and just HAD to write this down and this seemed like the perfect introduction to a new story.**

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><p>I wasn't looking for love, but it came anyway tearing apart my resolution to never fall in love again, he tore down my locks as if they were strands of string, smile after smile my heart blossomed. The heart that I thought would stand still for the rest of my life started to thump erratically the moment I set my eyes upon him, my cheeks heated up, my lips tingled in anticipation… never to be fulfilled… he wasn't mine, he'll never be mine.<p> 


	2. God Help The Broken Hearted

**Okie dokie, FINALLY I've managed to come up with enough creative juices to start the first chapter... I'm such a disappointment :( I HOPE (no promises) to update all continuing stories by friday... maybe not Red River, seems as its such a HUGE task... really its ridiculously big chapters, but we'll see. As I'm going on holiday for a week on saturday :) Right lets get started! Yes it begins with an exert on the manga on chapter 170, so if anyones not read it... and if not WHY NOT? then this is a little ickle bit of a spoiler. No, I do not own Skip Beat! but if you're offering...**

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><p>I watched as the world slowed down, Ren's gentle hands closed around mine and clasped them together around Princess Rosa, he stared directly, gently into my eyes and my mind spun. My eyes widened in shock and then he smiled, REALLY smiled, it was like he staring at the most precious thing in the world and couldn't help showing his calmed joy.<p>

_**I decided that no one would ever again open the box created long ago by God.**_

_** Secured with many locks, it still exists in the innermost depths of my heart.**_

_**I decided it wouldn't be touched a second time. **_

I really did mean it when I made that decision, honestly... my love for Sho had been enough for a lifetime for me. It hurt too much to be loved and betrayed, not once... but twice, I was even betrayed by the one person who is meant to love you back unconditionally. My mother. She betrayed and hurt me so much my heart was ripped, by Kuon healed it, and Sho stole it... then he opened the sealed wounds and created new ones. These festered and became poison, they poisoned my mind until all I thought about was bitter revenge. But acting and friends changed that, my heart was slowly recovering so why this? Why now...

It was at the moment when Ren smiled that I heard it...

**_Right then, there was a terrible sound..._**

**_ From the innermost depths of my heart. Sealed and secured by many of my own locks, it was not to be opened a second time._**

**_It was the sound... Of the last lock... Being opened._**

But it couldn't be... no...

**_I remember this feeling..._**

From then on when I met Tsuruga-san I threw up the locks hopelessly... in one glance he repeatedly broke them down and threw them away, I felt like crying, like screaming. I wanted to hate him, but no matter what, that is one thing I cannot do because although the alarm bells are ringing, even though _**'like sweet pure water of a spring that was supposed to have dried out, the emotion that I killed with my own hands will be resurrected in my heart.'**_ Yes, the one emotion I will not allow to exist within me has bloomed and refuses to die. Indeed, I am... In LOVE... with Ren Tsuruga, the most unattainable man in Japan. Once again, I have walked into the trap of heart break.

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><p>Kyouko strolled down the corridor of LME hoping beyond hope that Ren Tsuruga would not be present, it was just too hard to hide her own feelings these days, even Setsu was going beyond 'sisterly love' in her mind. Damn the president for making her work with Tsuruga-san pretty much 247, it only made her fall more and more as she saw all sides of Tsuruga-san. Kyouko found herself thanking the Gods for having not looked at Tsuruga-san naked, that would just make her dreams that much worse. Oh god the dreams, some sweet, some steamy, some nightmarish and other so beautiful they made her wake up in tears.

Yes, she was well on the path to heart break it seemed to her. But little did she know that one person was suffering similarly.

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><p>Ren sighed, a long, heavy sigh that echoed in the car as he drove to the LME offices for an meeting with the president, Yashiro's head tilted as he stared at Ren with renewed interest.<p>

"Something... unfortunate happen Ren? Or are you just suffering from love sickness?" Yashiro's eyes brightened and sparkled like an anime head. "Oh, I know! Maybe you're suffering from A BROKEN HEART! What has Kyouko-san done to make you sigh so much?" His eyes widened in interest. Ren turned to glare at him.

"Who said you could call her Kyouko-san?" He demanded, much like a jealous child in Yashiro's point of view.

"Kyouko-san?" Yashiro wilted under his glare. "You mean... You haven't been given permission?"

"I never mentioned it..."

"Maybe you should... then you could also call her Kyouko-san" Ren sighed again and looked at Yashiro with saddened eyes, Yashiro mentally took a step back, was Ren finally going to tell him everything?

"I doubt I would get permission now... If we're not in character she positively avoids me at the moment... I don't know what I did wrong... It seems that she hates me." Ren looked at Yashiro and saw the shock on his face.

"Oh..." Yashiro's eyes gleamed. "You know... It might be that she likes you..." Ren glared at Yashiro's stupidity. "No, seriously... think about the one thing she doesn't want to do... It's to fall in love right? So if she falls in love what do you think she would do?" Yashiro sighed at Ren's slowness. "She'd avoid him to avoid the feeling? I think she likes you Ren... now you've just got to convince her it's the right thing to do, that you won't betray her and you've got her."

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><p><strong>Ok, it's short but it's all I could think of for a starting chapter :D I think it gives an idea of what Ren's focus is going to be throughout the story :P <strong>


	3. The Undeserving

**Sorry for being away for so long! But I'm sure that if you read this it's likely that you also read Salome so you should know why :) **

**Anyway, time to get working on this. I actually feel inspired to do this one after reading the second chapter, so this should be good ;) Written whilst listening to 3 tracks, the most fitting for the characters moods I think is Stone Sour's Bother, I would recommend listening to it whilst reading this. **

**I do not own Skip Beat! or the Characters**

Kyouko was perhaps the most stunning individual he had ever known, not in the traditional way of beauty but in a way that drew you. Ren sighed, his head was resting against his dressing room table, his forehead crumpled in a scowl-like frown. It was all he thought about these days, her serene beauty, it was the way she smiled, the way she walked, her caring expressions, her determination, oh who was he kidding it was all of her. He couldn't remover her from his mind, whenever he did a romantic scene Kyouko popped up in his minds eye. She popped up in his dreams, some were hot but most were gentle. Last night he'd dreamed of walking down a beach with her, they were walking so close their arms brushed and created tingles that made him light-headed, he'd felt like a teenage boy with the purity of the love he felt. Kyouko had been laughing in the dream, her laugh happy and free as she smiled up at him with love in her eyes. He'd woken serene, feeling truly and utterly happy until he'd realised it was a dream and that he was the sort of man that didn't deserve that love and the feeling of content it brought.

_Maybe that's why she's avoiding me... Maybe she knows about my past and knows I should never be loved, only hated. _Ren's thoughts were like dark clouds swirling and gathering together to create a storm, the dark blue of them threatening and menacing. Ren looked up at the mirror and saw the dark clouds reflected in his eyes, he looked hard, like a man carved from stone with his jaw clenched as if preparing for war, his neck muscles tense but his eyes showed grief, age and pain. He looked like a veteran warrior tired of the fighting and the dying. _This is what she makes me. She peels back the mask, shows the past, leaves me weak and open. _His reflection glared as if Kuon was taunting him from within. _She makes me feel. _His thoughts reminded him depressingly of a song by Stone Sour, especially the opening lines "Wish I was too dead to cry" 

**Kyouko**

The look of despair and pain mixed with weariness that was reflected in those unseeing eyes shocked her to the core. She shouldn't been here, shouldn't of seen this moment of vulnerability and honesty. He was not for her.

_Is he acting?_ Kyouko shook her head, _no, that's not the look of an actor. That's the look of a man in such consuming pain that he can't hold it in anymore. _Kyouko recognised the next emotion, the anger, self-loathing it was her expression before she'd found acting, hope, love and possibly, just maybe, forgiveness. It was as if a hand had clenched her heart within her rib-cage. A feeling of utter compassion and sadness encompassed her, she felt herself yearning to walk over and hold him, comfort him, take away his pain. She shook her head again. _No, remember. He's not for you. Love's not for you. You're not worth it. _Kyouko felt her heart sink and her soul scold her for her cowardice as she walked away from the man that she loved that was in so much pain. Kyouko couldn't help but look over her shoulder though. _He saw me! Our eyes met! _

Panic overrode guilt as she ran down the hall, her inner scolding burning her ears, echoing in her head telling her what a bad person she was, that she didn't deserve love. Kyouko braced herself for the pain as she relocked her heart _You do not feel love, you do not deserve love. _

**Ok, so not cheery, sorry :( **

**But I feel that both of their situations have so much pain and scars in them that they can't love immediately. I know what its like to hate yourself and other people and you don't trust love to begin with, you hurt yourself with the delusion of it whilst ignoring the love that is available in front of you for fear you'll be hurt. And I wanted to show this for both of them, hope I did this well. Sorry its short. Written to Nobody Knows by P!nk, Bother by Stone Sour and Walk Away by Kelly Clarkson. (No I did not choose these songs, they came on shuffle at EXACTLY the right time... it's destiny :) Just to prove how fitting the lyrics for Stone Sour are I'll post them below ) **

**Wish I was too dead to cry  
>My self-affliction fades<br>Stones to throw at my creator  
>Masochists to which I cater<strong>

**You don't need to bother, I don't need to be  
>I'll keep slipping farther<br>But once I hold on, I won't let go til it bleeds**

**Wish I was too dead to care  
>If indeed I cared at all<br>Never had a voice to protest  
>So you fed me **** to digest<br>I wish I had a reason, my flaws are open season  
>For this, I gave up trying<br>One good turn deserves my dying**

**You don't need to bother, I don't need to be  
>I'll keep slipping farther<br>But once I hold on, I won't let go til it bleeds**

**Wish I'd died instead of lived  
>A zombie hides my face<br>Shell forgotten with its memories  
>Diaries left with cryptic entries<strong>

**And you don't need to bother, I don't need to be  
>I'll keep slipping farther<br>But once I hold on, I won't let go til it bleeds**

**You don't need to bother, I don't need to be  
>I'll keep on slipping farther<br>But once I hold on  
>I'll never live down my deceit<strong>


End file.
